What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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