Your face is a jimmy john
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
why do cheetos always look like penises
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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