He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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