Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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