Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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