there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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