Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
