i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
