her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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