If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
