she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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