If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
