First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
