I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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