Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
