three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
