hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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