One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he fucked my hip out of place.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
