Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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