I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She said her name was "party"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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