i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
