She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
