Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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