I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
