I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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