dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
