I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
