i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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