just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
