he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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