everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
