So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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