I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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