Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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