I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
zippers are such a cool invention
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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