Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
