sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
