Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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