why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
