I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm too high and old for this...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
