I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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