I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
