i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
