I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize