my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
