By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
