R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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