One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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