if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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