Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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