Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
