Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize