What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
