There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
