she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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