If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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