I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
