I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
