I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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