dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
