im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
