when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
