It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
