He asked to "fluff my boner.."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
